Resources

Boundaries

“Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries with Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries with Teens” by Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries for Leaders” by Dr. Henry Cloud

“Beyond Boundaries” by Dr. John Townsend

Can you tell I’m big on boundaries?? Also, all of the workbooks are excellent resources to go through to apply what you are learning from the book.

Finances

“Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey

I also recommend taking the Financial Peace University class that many churches offer. It gives specific steps to establishing a family budget, getting out of debt, and saving towards your goals.

Gratefulness

“One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp

“The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin

Leadership

“Entreleadership” by Dave Ramsey

“Leadership and Self-Deception” by The Arbinger Institute

Pre-marriage

“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les and Leslie Parrott

“Things I’d Wish I’d Known Before I got Married” by Gary Chapman

Marriage

“Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

“Love and War” by John and Stasi Eldredge

“The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller

“This Momentary Marriage” by John Piper

Self Image/Self Discovery

“Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge

“Cure for the Common Life” by Max Lucado

“Wanting to be Her” by Michelle Graham

“Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge

Positive Thinking

Make positivity a priority! There truly is power behind positive thinking. How many times have you caught yourself in a negative self talk cycle that leaves you feeling stressed, self conscious, and overall icky? We tend to let our thoughts take the reins and control us when, really, we can and should be in control of our thoughts.

Here are some journal activities to help bring more positivity into your life and help you regain control:

1. Cognitions journal—Keep this on your phone or in a small notebook that you can carry with you easily. The idea is that you catch yourself as soon as you start thinking negatively and you replace it with a positive truth immediately. An example would be, “I can’t believe I screwed up that presentation like that. I’m such a failure.” You could replace this with, “I know I can succeed and I have succeeded many times in previous presentations.” It is a tough practice at first, but as you continue it daily, it will become routine and you will, overall, think more positively and start to regain cognitive control, which in turn will lead to better emotional control.
2. Positivity journal—Take note of all the positive things that happen to you during the day. It can be something small such as, “I caught all green lights on my way to work “ to something large like, “My boss told me how well I’ve been performing.” It’s a time to reflect on the goodness of your day—a time to take notice and celebrate the big and small joys of your daily life.
3. Blessings journal—I started using this journal in my practice after being inspired by the book, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. If you haven’t read it, go to the store right now and buy it! It really changed my outlook on life. All you do is write a few things down each day that were a blessing to you and that you’re thankful for. Voskamp notices the smallest things such as the beautiful colors that the light reflecting off the bubbles makes when she is doing dishes. She is truly thankful and looking for ways to remain thankful. It’s hard to be negative and down when you’re busy being grateful. This practice will help you start to find the blessing in your ordinary activities.
4. Personal qualities journal—Remind yourself of all the positive qualities that make you the incredible person you are today. It’s just one word a day that states a positive characteristic about yourself such as strong, imaginative, empathetic or God’s beloved. Instead of recalling your weaknesses, reflect on your strengths.
5. Triumph journal—Record all the times you have succeeded in something big or small. When we come up against a hurdle, which is inevitable in life, it’s nice to have personal encouragement from a previous obstacle that you have overcome. When troubles come and we find ourselves in the middle of the storm, it’s easy to feel like we are drowning and we can’t get through it. But wait…you have been through many storms before and you’ve come out alive and probably stronger and better because of it. So write those times down so you can have encouragement for later. You have the evidence to support your newfound “I can do this” attitude.

Apology Languages

(This post is from a workshop that I led for married couples based on “The Five Languages of Apology” shown to the left, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. I highly recommend this book! A lot of the information below is from this book. “The Five Love Languages“, which I wrote about on a previous post, is another great read!)

According to the old sappy move Love Story, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Err…What?? I don’t think so! I believe that love means saying you’re sorry over and over again. However, to be effective, we need to learn the language of apology that our spouse speaks.

To find out your Apology Language, click here to take the profile.

Language #1: Expressing Regret “I’m truly sorry”

• Most people want a sincere apology—what does sincere look like to you?
• Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology—what pain did it cause you to have?
• Check on your body language
• Avoid the “but…” (When you apologize with a ‘but’ it’s not a real apology)
• Don’t apologize to manipulate
• Regret focuses on dealing with one’s own behavior and expressing empathy for the one you have hurt
• Write a letter of apology

Sample statements of regret:

• “I really feel bad that I disappointed you.   I should have been more thoughtful. I hate that I caused you so much pain.”
• “I’m sorry I violated your trust. I know I’ve put some walls up now in our relationship, but I don’t want them to be there. I know it might take you awhile to trust me again.”

 Language #2: Accepting Responsibility “I know I was wrong”

• Admitting wrongdoing is tied to self-worth
• It’s not my fault: Learn to admit your mistakes
• Agree/Disagree—“I agree that I have a right to feel hurt and angry. I don’t choose these feelings, they just happen. I disagree with the idea that because of these hurt feelings, I have the right to hurt someone else.
• “All of us make mistakes. But the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.”

Sample statements of accepting responsibility:

• “I know what I did was wrong. I know I could make excuses, but there aren’t any. The truth is I was being selfish.”
• “I repeated a mistake that I know we have already talked about. I messed up and I know it’s my fault.”

 Language #3: Making Restitution “What can I do to make it right?”

• Paying your debt to the one you have wronged
• Many ask, “How can they love me and do that?”
• “The heart of restitution is reassuring your spouse that you genuinely love him/her. It is essential to express restitution in their love language.” What’s your language?

Five love languages (Check out my previous post on love languages here)

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Sample statements of making restitution:

• “Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?”
• “I know I hurt you deeply and I want to make up for it in some way. What would you like me to do?”

 Language #4: Genuinely Repenting “I’ll try not to do that again”

• Repentance—“to turn around” or “to change one’s mind”
• It begins with an expression of intent to change
• Important!! Even though the person said that they intend to change, we need to remember no one is perfect. Many times, spouses fail and it takes multiple attempts.
• The idea that change is only in order when we do something morally wrong is erroneous. A healthy marriage might need change to create harmony.
• A plan for change (be specific and share with your spouse)
• Implement the plan and put it in writing
• If you fail, acknowledge the failure before the offended spouse confronts you

Sample statements of genuine repentance:

• “How could I say that in another way that would not come across as critical?”
• “I really want to change to make us happier. I know it’s not going to be perfect, but maybe you could help me when I revert to my old ways. We could have a code word that you could say to help me.”

 Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness “Will you please forgive me?”

Why seek forgiveness?

• It indicates that you want the relationship restored
• It shows you realize you have done wrong
• It shows you are putting the future of the relationship in the others hands

Why is it so hard?

• Requesting forgiveness can be difficult—fear of losing control
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of failure

Remember forgiveness is a choice and it might take time

Why is it hard to forgive?

• It may require the forgiver to give up the quest for justice
• The forgiver may need to forgive consequences that are long-lasting
• The forgiver may have difficulty if the offense is repeated or major

Be patient—speak their love language and try to change the behavior

Sample statements of requesting forgiveness

• “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. It was mean and harsh and I shouldn’t have done that. Will you please forgive me?”
• “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I obviously did. I was trying to be fun, but I know my actions were wrong. I’m going to try not to do it again. Will you please forgive me?” 

A few things to keep in mind:

• Husbands and wives usually speak different apology languages
• You can have more than one apology language
• The more languages you use in your apology, the more effective it is

Ask yourself…

• What do I expect the person to say or do?
• What hurts me most about this situation?
• What language is most important when I apologize?

Why don’t people apologize?

• It’s not worth the effort
• It was his/her fault
• Low self esteem

Verses on forgiveness:

• Ephesians 4:32
• 1 John 1:9
• Romans 3:23
• Matthew 6:14-15
• Luke 6:36-37

Believe me, apologizing is not an easy task. I constantly fight my stubborn pride when it comes to saying I’m sorry and admitting that I’m wrong, but in the end, the peace and resolution that it brings is always worth it in the end.

Love Languages

Marriage is difficult. It is rewarding. It is unpredictable. At times it seems like an uphill battle and at other times, it the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I know that it is constantly refining me, teaching me, and making me a better person through the tears of joy and pain, and I am honored to experience this earthly representation of Christ’s love for his church.

A couple books by Gary Chapman that have helped our marriage and that I always recommend to my clients are The 5 Love Languages and The 5 Languages of Apology. If you and your spouse are not speaking each other’s language, you will not feel loved and appreciated. We typically speak in the language that we like to hear, but most likely, you and your spouse don’t speak the same language (metaphorically that is!)

The 5 languages of love are listed below. You can go online to take a quiz that will help you figure out your language if you are unsure. Sometimes you might feel that you speak two languages equally—that’s okay! In fact, it just allows your spouse to have more options.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

We all need encouragement, but if this is your love language, you need it in order to feel loved by your spouse. For some, affirmation comes easily. For others, it’s a real struggle. If this is your spouse’ language, here are some examples to help get you started:

• Write little notes of encouragement at night on the bathroom mirror for your spouse to see when they get ready in the morning.
• Make it a habit to tell your spouse one thing you admire about them daily—maybe over dinner each night or right before bed.
• When you pray together at night, thank God for all the characteristics that you love about your spouse.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

It’s the quality of the time together, not the quantity. If this is your love language, you want your spouse to spend meaningful time with you. Your time together means the world to you. Sitting in bed every night watching your favorite shows together probably isn’t going to cut it. Here are some more purposeful options:

• “Couch time” Many couples have couch time together each day. It’s the first 10-15 minutes after the last spouse gets home from work. Even if you have kids, it’s “mommy and daddy time.” You are setting an example for them that your spouse is the most important person in your life. During this time, you discuss anything from how your days were to concerns you have that might need further discussion that night.
• “Date night” This might seem like a no brainer, but many couples forget to continue dating once married. My parents always went out on Friday nights. They made sure they did this for their marriage. They had a babysitter reserved and saved the cash to pay her. By the way, my babysitter became like an older sister to me and I adored her and my time with her! Your kids might need a break from you as much as you do from them!
• “Be intentional” It’s easy to say that you hang out with your spouse all the time because you are in the same vicinity. That’s not going to cut it for the spouse that needs quality time. So try to be more intentional. Make out a list of things that you can ask your spouse when you are together. This can be anything from “If we could take a trip anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?” to “If we could work more on one aspect of our marriage, what would it be and how will we do that?”

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

A thoughtful gift goes a long way if this is your spouse’s language. This doesn’t mean you have to go out and buy a pair of Kendra Scott earrings every week or the newest electronics. Although these things are always nice, it’s not the amount of money you spend, but the thought that counts. Here are some less expensive ideas:

• A letter or card. I keep all the letters and cards that Patrick gives me and he does the same. I love looking back and reading them to remind me of our love for each other.
• Make a CD or song list of all the songs that remind you of your spouse and your relationship. Or if you’re artsy, you could create a painting or picture collage that they could take to their office at work.
• Buy your spouse a gift card to their favorite store and go with them there to help pick out what they want. This way you are also spending quality time with them doing something they love.

Love Language #4: Acts of Service

For some, it’s words; for others, it’s actions. Doing something out of the kindness of your heart speaks volumes for those whose language is acts of service. Some examples for you to do for your spouse:

• Ask your spouse at the beginning of the week what they would like you to do around the house by the end of the week and make a list so you don’t forget.
• If your spouse has had a tough or busy day, make dinner and clean up after dinner without being asked.
• If you and your spouse have designated daily chores, do theirs for a week, in addition to your own.

Love Language #5: Physical Touch

So this one is probably the most obvious. We all need physical touch but if this is your language, it’s super important that you get it to feel loved and appreciated by your spouse. Here are some ideas:

• Hug more often. First thing you do in the morning and last thing you do at night is hug your spouse. Always start the day off and end the day by letting them know you love them and they come first in your life.
• Hold hands more often. Do it when walking down the street, driving in the car, watching a show or while praying. It something that is so simple but can make you feel closer to your spouse.
• Make time for each other. It’s so easy to say that you’re tired and had a long day. Pick a night each week that you will reserve for your spouse and put some effort into the occasion—massage, bubble bath, mood music and candles? Whatever will let your spouse know that you went the extra mile for them!

I hope you find this as helpful as I did. I definitely recommend buying the book for you and your spouse to read together. You will be amazed at how your spouse responds once you start speaking their language!

Stress Relief

Stress is something that we all encounter in our lives. Some of us are more prone to it than others depending on our personalities. I tend to stress quite a bit, so I have my favorite go-to’s for when I start to feel overwhelmed:

1. Lavender bubble bath. Hop in the tub and soak up the relaxation that a hot bath and calming lavender can offer you. Let the stress melt away!
2. I love a good Zumba class, the kind where I leave looking like I stepped out of a shower. However, sometimes my stress doesn’t coincide with my class so I’ve been known to turn up the music and break it down in my family room!
3. Hot tea. My favorite is Tazo Zen with a little honey. Although the green tea does have caffeine, something about it calms me immediately.
4. Bubble wrap. I know it sounds weird, but there is just something therapeutic about snapping those plastic bubbles. Pop it with your fingers or your toes to release the tension!
5. I like to meditate on my favorite scriptures that talk of peace and hope. Some references are: Isaiah 54:10, Matthew 11:28-30, John 16:33, Romans 15:3, and Philippians 4:6-7.
6. Calming music. There’s just something about Mazzy Star and Norah Jones that immediately calms me down. Find a song or album that soothes you, turn it on, and mellow out.
7. When you stress out, your muscles start to tighten up. It helps to lengthen them with simple stretches or yoga postures.
8. Deep breathing. This is one that we know, but we rarely engage in. If you feel the stress coming on and don’t have much time to do anything about it, take a few seconds to breathe deeply, in through the nose, out through the mouth 3 times. Make sure you’re breathing with your diaphragm and not your chest.
9. Positive self-talk. Sometimes it helps to just remind yourself that you will make it through this and you can handle it. Remind yourself of other stressful things that you have overcome. Remember, “This too shall pass.”
10. Who doesn’t love Playdough? I love playing with it when I’m stressed out. It has an immediate calming effect. It’s something I use with my clients as well. They tend to open up more when given some Playdough to work with.

These are just a few, cheap ways I conquer the stress in my life. Try a couple of them next time you feel overwhelmed and see what works well for you.

Mindfulness

How many of us actually take the time to just sit and be? To be aware of where we are right here and now, to focus on our breathing, the sounds and smells around us, to connect with our own bodies and our environment? My guess is that this doesn’t happen very often for most people. I can tell you though from experience that it’s one of the most relaxing and refreshing exercises that you can do for yourself. Sure, it’ll feel weird at first, but that’s because you’re so used to running around like crazy every day! Mindfulness allows you to feel peace, relaxation and gratitude.

So what really is mindfulness?

Mindfulness involves learning how to control one’s own mind instead of one’s mind controlling them. It directs your attention on the here and now—the moment you are experiencing right at this second. You are being mindful when you recognize the moment, what it looks like, feels like, sounds like, tastes like (Behavioral Tech, LLC). Mindfulness is a lot like meditating. You can focus on your breathing patterns or the counts of your breath in the beginning. The point is to focus on one thing and when your mind begins to wander, as it naturally will, you teach yourself to non-judgingly bring the mind back to focus.

Isn’t mindfulness a little weird?

Not at all! It’s a practice that has been around for ages, infused into many cultures and religions. Thomas Merton, a devout monk and prolific twentieth century writer, wrote the book Contemplative Prayer to help us learn how to pray using meditation strategies similar to mindfulness. Merton states, “Contemplation is the highest expression of man’s intellectual and spiritual life. It is when life itself is fully awake, fully active, fully aware that it is alive…It is gratitude for life, for awareness and for being” (The Thomas Merton Encyclopedia, 2002). Our culture is always saying things like “seize the day” and “live in the moment” but are we actually doing that?

What does mindfulness look like?

Mindfulness can look like a lot of things. I’ll give you a simple breathing exercise to get started with but mindfulness takes on a variety of forms. Sometimes, I will just meditate on a scripture or things that I am thankful for. Other times, I will focus on positive thoughts while breathing in and negative thoughts that I need to release when I breathe out. You can close your eyes to avoid distraction for certain exercises, or you can open your eyes to be mindful of your surroundings for others.

Here is a simple breathing exercise:

Close your eyes and get into a relaxed position. Try to focus on your breathing—breathe in and out. Notice your breath as it enters your nostrils, fills your lungs, expands your stomach, and escapes through your nose or mouth. Don’t worry about if your breaths are shallow, deep, slow or fast. Just notice it. As your mind begins to wander—which will most likely happen in the beginning—just recognize it and bring your thoughts back to your breath. It’s important to not worry or judge yourself for outside thoughts. As you increase the frequency of this practice, you will do this less and less. The first time I led this exercise for a group, one lady actually fell asleep! That’s totally okay too—no judgment here! In this crazy, fast-paced world, it’s amazing what 5 minutes of stillness can do for our mind and body.

Try this for 3-5 minutes at first and then increase the time as you become more comfortable. Hopefully you feel more relaxed, refreshed and alive!

If you’re interested in more mindfulness exercises, feel free to contact me.

Accept Yourself!

If there’s one thing that I say repeatedly to the teens who I see in my office, it is this: “You’ve got to be comfortable with you!” However, I know this isn’t as easy as it sounds. It involves several thoughts—being confident in who you were created to be, being content just being by yourself, and not worrying so much about what others think of you.

1. Be confident in who you were created to be.

You were created uniquely you; you are the only you that exists. Love yourself for the incredible person you are! Know yourself well enough that you recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Remember—no one is perfect. We all have flaws. When you feel insecure, focus on your positive attributes. Set goals to improve your weaknesses so you can become an overall stronger, more confident individual. You were created for a reason, so discover your purpose.

2. Be content just hanging with yourself.

Independence comes naturally for some, but for others, it’s really difficult and scary to have fun without a friend, significant other, or family member around. It’s important for you to develop your independence and not become dependent on others for your happiness. Community is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but people will fail you at times. When that happens, you need to be comfortable being by yourself. Have a “happy place” to go where you can reflect, relax, and restore. Mine most often is a bubble bath with a nice glass of Cab or hot tea. What’s yours?

3. Be yourself and don’t worry about what other people think.

As much as we like to think we are not affected by other peoples opinions of us, we all are to some degree. We have to learn how to look past and let go of others judgments and look within ourselves for the truth. Honestly, it doesn’t matter that someone doesn’t like my outfit. They aren’t wearing it, right? So why should they care? If things about you bother other people, it’s most likely because they see something in you that they wish they had but don’t. Their confidence is typically sub par and they make up for it by putting others down. Keep that in mind before you pass judgement next time.

Get to know yourself and love that face in the mirror looking back at you. Remember, you are the only you that exists. You can choose everyday to be your own worst enemy or your greatest ally. If you choose the former, unfortunately, you have an uphill battle that you will never win. The freedom that comes from the love and acceptance of oneself is pretty incredible! Embrace it!

Boundaries

Boundaries are important in every aspect of life. I recently read the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Although this book was referenced all throughout my counseling courses in school, I never had taken the time to actually read the book. I’m so glad I finally did! For someone who has a hard time saying no, this book was just what I needed.

Some thoughts that I took away from the book:

1. We are in control of our own lives. If someone is stepping over our boundaries, it is our sole responsibility to take care of it and communicate our discomfort. If the boundary crosser doesn’t understand that, then we may need to communicate to them that until they can respect our boundaries, we cannot hang out with them.
2. Our emotions are our own. No one else can cause your anger, because you are the only one who can create anger in yourself. If someone is pushing your boundaries and this makes you angry or upset, you can choose how to respond. The boundary pusher does not make you angry. You chose to be angry and you can choose to not be angry anymore.
3. We are called to treat others as we would like to be treated. As far as boundaries go, this means that if you want someone to respect your own boundaries, you must respect the boundaries they have set for themselves and do not judge them lest you be judged.
4. Communication is key. If someone is not treating you how you want to be treated, go straight to them and let them know. Don’t hold it inside to where eventually you will explode and don’t go to your mutual friend or family member and complain about them causing unneeded triangulation. You can lovingly tell someone that they hurt you and together try and formulate a solution.
5. If you didn’t grow up in a home that valued boundaries you must realize that the older you get the harder it is to set and respect boundaries. This doesn’t mean that it can’t be done, but it means that others might have a hard time if you’re establishing boundaries later in life. You must be prepared to handle some negative feedback and answer questions about your new boundaries.

Check out more information on boundaries at www.cloudtownsend.com

Goal Setting

Everyone makes goals at some point whether you realize you are or not. We all say things such as, “One day, I’m going to do ______.” Yes, this is a goal. In your head, you’ve decided that you, at some point in your life, are going to be someone or do something specific. As a counselor, I’ve come to realize the importance of setting specific, attainable, and measurable goals. Without goals, what is our motivation? What are we working towards? Goals help us from becoming apathetic, lifeless robots that just go through the motions day in and day out. Goals bring life!

Here are some pointers to creating working goals:

1. Know yourself. Create goals that are realistic for you and your personality.

2. Make them distinct. Create a goal providing a specific time frame as well as the steps you will take in order to reach it. Specific steps are important so that you don’t become complacent along the way.

3. Vary your goals. Make short-term and long-term goals, social and career goals, emotional and spiritual goals.

4. Write them down! I don’t care how good you think your memory is, if you don’t write your goals down with all the specific steps, chances are, you will not reach that goal as quickly or as efficiently as if you wrote them down with checkpoints along the way.

5. Tell someone! Share your goal with a friend, coworker, or family member who will hold you accountable and ask you where you are in achieving your goal from time to time.

Goals require discipline–a word I’m not too fond of, but a subject I will nonetheless touch on in a later post. I encourage you to set a new goal today and start moving forward in this journey called life!

And always remember…